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"i'm busy": a friendly reminder.

2
AuthorMessage
Explorer
Jul 16, 2009
86
I've been thinking about what you were saying in your OP.
I'm thinking that the problem here is that we often forget to mention to our pals what we are specifically doing.
Our pals need to hear that we are pursuing our specific goals we are interested in.- For instance, "I'm sorry, I can't right now, I'm really, really interested in obtaining the limited time happy birthday fish!", or, "I only have a bit of time today and I really want to build a rug.", or, I want to defeat so and so many monsters and bosses today-
We forget to chat about it with our pals.
There is actually some phrases in menu chat that we can use, even.-
"No."- "Let's meet tomorrow."
We often think of our own goals, but, it isn't always as easy to mention to our pals that our own goals are as big of a focus for us as their's are for them.
Communicating with pals is important.
It eases hostility.
It builds trust.

I'm not trying to give you a difficult time. People who curse and are mean to you shouldn't always have other people be nice to them, and, I sympathize with you that your pal was rude, but, I also think, a lot of times, we need to be absolutely specific with our pals about what we are doing.
If we do, our pals can maybe understand.

Delver
Mar 13, 2010
299
Ontheotherside on Sep 14, 2015 wrote:
I've been thinking about what you were saying in your OP.
I'm thinking that the problem here is that we often forget to mention to our pals what we are specifically doing.
Our pals need to hear that we are pursuing our specific goals we are interested in.- For instance, "I'm sorry, I can't right now, I'm really, really interested in obtaining the limited time happy birthday fish!", or, "I only have a bit of time today and I really want to build a rug.", or, I want to defeat so and so many monsters and bosses today-
We forget to chat about it with our pals.
There is actually some phrases in menu chat that we can use, even.-
"No."- "Let's meet tomorrow."
We often think of our own goals, but, it isn't always as easy to mention to our pals that our own goals are as big of a focus for us as their's are for them.
Communicating with pals is important.
It eases hostility.
It builds trust.

I'm not trying to give you a difficult time. People who curse and are mean to you shouldn't always have other people be nice to them, and, I sympathize with you that your pal was rude, but, I also think, a lot of times, we need to be absolutely specific with our pals about what we are doing.
If we do, our pals can maybe understand.
No. Just no. I don't need to explain to someone in-game why my time in-game is mine to use as I please. Just no. S/he is not entitled to any of MY time, just as I am not entitled to any of his/hers.

Absolutely, everyone has the right to ask for help, for assistance, for some of my time. They are never owed an explanation for why I answered the way I did. Never.

If I am willing to help, but not at that moment, sure I may tell them that, but I AM NOT REQUIRED TO.

This sense of entitlement, that we owe someone else any sort of explanation is part of why I go invisible while gardening. While pet hatching and training. While fishing. While farming Morganthe. While questing. Eventually, I might just remove everyone but my closest friends from my list because they usually know what I'm doing and why. none of them have ever asked me to justify the very rare "I can't" they've gotten.

If you appreciate me enough to ask for my help, then you should also respect me enough to accept my answer without whining and without requiring me to give you a detailed accounting of why MY priorities for MY time are more important than your priorities for MY time.

EDITED: I should add that I rarely ask for help, myself, and when I do it's "My Storm has a couple dungeons she can't solo in her questbook. Can you help, and when would that be convenient for you?"

I rarely tell people who ask for help, "No", but if I did it's final. I don't appreciate logging on to be inundated with "HELP" or "Port" messages. No greeting, no concern for what I might have been planning to do - often these appear seconds after I first login, so someone was just waiting for an Exalted Life/Exalted Anything to logon, so I wasn't *doing* anything yet. I often don't even answer demands like that if they're from relatively new "friends" (users), I just Delete.

Astrologist
Dec 26, 2013
1127
Ontheotherside on Sep 14, 2015 wrote:
I've been thinking about what you were saying in your OP.
I'm thinking that the problem here is that we often forget to mention to our pals what we are specifically doing.
Our pals need to hear that we are pursuing our specific goals we are interested in.- For instance, "I'm sorry, I can't right now, I'm really, really interested in obtaining the limited time happy birthday fish!", or, "I only have a bit of time today and I really want to build a rug.", or, I want to defeat so and so many monsters and bosses today-
We forget to chat about it with our pals.
There is actually some phrases in menu chat that we can use, even.-
"No."- "Let's meet tomorrow."
We often think of our own goals, but, it isn't always as easy to mention to our pals that our own goals are as big of a focus for us as their's are for them.
Communicating with pals is important.
It eases hostility.
It builds trust.

I'm not trying to give you a difficult time. People who curse and are mean to you shouldn't always have other people be nice to them, and, I sympathize with you that your pal was rude, but, I also think, a lot of times, we need to be absolutely specific with our pals about what we are doing.
If we do, our pals can maybe understand.
I know your response was for the OP but I feel the need to chime in with my take on what you've said. In my opinion, a response of "I can't" should be totally sufficient. It really doesn't matter what the reason is and for that matter it's really no business of the requestor what I'm doing and why I can't drop everything and run to their aid. And please don't expect me to be "sensitive" because it might be a child ... courtesy and respect are ageless and the earlier they're learned the better.
Busy is busy and I can't means I can't.... regardless of the reason. If someone feels the need to be hostile because I don't jump to help them then I don't want them on my friends list anyway.

Archon
Feb 07, 2011
3171
Ontheotherside on Sep 14, 2015 wrote:
I've been thinking about what you were saying in your OP.
I'm thinking that the problem here is that we often forget to mention to our pals what we are specifically doing.
Our pals need to hear that we are pursuing our specific goals we are interested in.- For instance, "I'm sorry, I can't right now, I'm really, really interested in obtaining the limited time happy birthday fish!", or, "I only have a bit of time today and I really want to build a rug.", or, I want to defeat so and so many monsters and bosses today-
We forget to chat about it with our pals.
There is actually some phrases in menu chat that we can use, even.-
"No."- "Let's meet tomorrow."
We often think of our own goals, but, it isn't always as easy to mention to our pals that our own goals are as big of a focus for us as their's are for them.
Communicating with pals is important.
It eases hostility.
It builds trust.

I'm not trying to give you a difficult time. People who curse and are mean to you shouldn't always have other people be nice to them, and, I sympathize with you that your pal was rude, but, I also think, a lot of times, we need to be absolutely specific with our pals about what we are doing.
If we do, our pals can maybe understand.
i understand what you're getting at, but i'm with paige and tucsonwizard.

i agree that talking to our friends is important; that way, we feel like people are genuinely interested in us and aren't just using us for pets/blades/etc. but some instances don't require or allow for being specific, and the situation i originally post about is one such instance.

(and, as i mentioned in an earlier post: fishing (for example) requires 100 percent attention and it's impossible to type a thoughtful, well-crafted sentence while trying not to miss the lure.)

if i'm farming/crafting/gardening, i'll still chat with people, but they know that i'm doing other things and, if they want my help, they can wait until i'm good and done. and, if people feel the need to be rude or aggressive, all they'll get from me is a one-way ticket to ignore-land.

my general rule is that, if you respect me, i'll respect you back; disrespect me, and our friendship ends.
(clear as mud?)

-von

Survivor
Feb 17, 2012
1
Thank you Von,
I agree with what all of you have said, i recently bought 2 bundles in the bundle-a-palooza and even though it is not the same case i had a somewhat similar incident,
I obtained the ember-stone tiger which i love!!!!! but i was standing there trying to train in the double exp time and i had a level 35 player by the name of angel sitting there and whenever i came out of a mini-game he would send me a friend request, so after about 10 minutes i go "Fine I'll see what he wants" so i accept his request and immediately it hits me "Hey can you buy me a mega snack pack" then this one "I'll help you get a Legendary pet and i'll get you to Master" so i did the nice thing and say "I'm sorry, i don't have enough crowns", so without a breath he writes "How about a Keepers of the lore pack?" and again I say "Sorry i don't have enough" and this is what really annoyed me he said "It's ok i'll accept a normal snack pack" so i got annoyed at this and i said "I have said enough times, i don't have enough crowns, sorry I'm not buying you anything", now i would have liked him to spam me with the speech lock profanity so i could report him but after all of that he just unfriended me and moved onto the next person

Now i'm not saying that this is a new thing to MMO Games but it happens all the time and I've been playing this game for about 4 years and i never thought it would get this bad, thanks for speaking up about this because this really needs to stop

Robert Deathblade

Archon
Feb 07, 2011
3171
MAGNE0 98 on Sep 15, 2015 wrote:
Thank you Von,
I agree with what all of you have said, i recently bought 2 bundles in the bundle-a-palooza and even though it is not the same case i had a somewhat similar incident,
I obtained the ember-stone tiger which i love!!!!! but i was standing there trying to train in the double exp time and i had a level 35 player by the name of angel sitting there and whenever i came out of a mini-game he would send me a friend request, so after about 10 minutes i go "Fine I'll see what he wants" so i accept his request and immediately it hits me "Hey can you buy me a mega snack pack" then this one "I'll help you get a Legendary pet and i'll get you to Master" so i did the nice thing and say "I'm sorry, i don't have enough crowns", so without a breath he writes "How about a Keepers of the lore pack?" and again I say "Sorry i don't have enough" and this is what really annoyed me he said "It's ok i'll accept a normal snack pack" so i got annoyed at this and i said "I have said enough times, i don't have enough crowns, sorry I'm not buying you anything", now i would have liked him to spam me with the speech lock profanity so i could report him but after all of that he just unfriended me and moved onto the next person

Now i'm not saying that this is a new thing to MMO Games but it happens all the time and I've been playing this game for about 4 years and i never thought it would get this bad, thanks for speaking up about this because this really needs to stop

Robert Deathblade
hi robert~ you're welcome, and it's my pleasure.

i know i'm not the only one who feels this way, and that a lot of people are afraid to speak up because the player in question may be a child or because they think it's rude to say no. but, the way i see it, i don't have to tolerate disrespect from anyone, of any age, and neither do any of you.

-

since some people seem to have misinterpreted the sentiment behind this post as malicious, i feel as though i should address the jade oni in the room:

the whole point of this is not to say "don't ever ask for help because i'll block you"; we all need help sometimes, and that's why we have our friends to rely on. the point is that i'll help you where i can but, should you wish to remain friends, you *will* respect my decision either way. and, if you feel the need to behave aggressively, then yes~ i will block and delete you, no matter how old you are.

(if anything, you should thank me for not abandoning you in the middle of an instance because i made a promise i couldn't keep.)

-von

Astrologist
Dec 26, 2013
1127
Dr Von on Sep 16, 2015 wrote:
hi robert~ you're welcome, and it's my pleasure.

i know i'm not the only one who feels this way, and that a lot of people are afraid to speak up because the player in question may be a child or because they think it's rude to say no. but, the way i see it, i don't have to tolerate disrespect from anyone, of any age, and neither do any of you.

-

since some people seem to have misinterpreted the sentiment behind this post as malicious, i feel as though i should address the jade oni in the room:

the whole point of this is not to say "don't ever ask for help because i'll block you"; we all need help sometimes, and that's why we have our friends to rely on. the point is that i'll help you where i can but, should you wish to remain friends, you *will* respect my decision either way. and, if you feel the need to behave aggressively, then yes~ i will block and delete you, no matter how old you are.

(if anything, you should thank me for not abandoning you in the middle of an instance because i made a promise i couldn't keep.)

-von
***(if anything, you should thank me for not abandoning you in the middle of an instance because i made a promise i couldn't keep.)

Excellent point! A number of times I've dropped what I'm doing to help someone I considered a dependable friend only to have them bail out of their own fight half way through. Needless to say this waves a big Red Flag when it comes to future requests. I don't necessarily make a bee-line to the delete button but I will remember. I always remember! I will also make it a point to let them know about all the goodies I got for completing their fight after they left. (Whether it's true or not ha ha!) And when that future request for help comes, and it will, I ask them if they're going to stick with it till the end or are they going to leave me high and dry like last time. This usually gets my point across.

Survivor
Aug 31, 2014
12

Dear Dr Von

too have encountered these requests and if not doing much , I help. I have also encountered another problem, I get a friend request, no problem usually its in battle or they need some small help. However sometimes I friend someone and suddenly they want to trade cards, nothing else, just trade cards and they don't quit, aren't nice about it and will even follow me to my home. i will normally do a trade with some of my spare stuff and that's it, if they keep it up, I exit log back in and remove them from my list. Don't like it but sometimes it's what I feel I have to do. Wish they would have better manners
Thanks

Archon
Feb 07, 2011
3171
frosta5 on Sep 16, 2015 wrote:

Dear Dr Von

too have encountered these requests and if not doing much , I help. I have also encountered another problem, I get a friend request, no problem usually its in battle or they need some small help. However sometimes I friend someone and suddenly they want to trade cards, nothing else, just trade cards and they don't quit, aren't nice about it and will even follow me to my home. i will normally do a trade with some of my spare stuff and that's it, if they keep it up, I exit log back in and remove them from my list. Don't like it but sometimes it's what I feel I have to do. Wish they would have better manners
Thanks
dear frosta5 (i'm starting to feel like the dear abby of this game, lol),

i have encountered this as well~ usually low-level wizards. fortunately, my friend requests are disabled now, but they still keep asking me if i "have any spare tc". perhaps the better question is, 1) what makes you think that i have any spare tc, and 2) even if i did, why would i give them to you?

truth is, i don't carry spare tc. every tc i have is something i need~ cleanse charm (for getting rid of weakness), shatter, sanctuary and doom (for those inevitable requests i get for help with castle dreadmore), extra blades (if and when i decide to go for my elixir vitae badge using death damage)... the list goes on, and i owe them none of it.

-von

Survivor
Jun 12, 2011
26
Puppydonut
Sep 09, 2015
, "so don't get so angry when you find a child player, who is jealous of your gear, or spells, or pet, because they have a right to be, it's like everything else in their daily life, trying to get the coolest looking clothes, and supplies, to be friends with the popular kids at their school or neighborhood"

I haven't seen any angry responses, here.

To me, this is the entire problem. Now is the time to learn the evils of wanting and needing what ever one else has. A difficult thing, especially today, but it is a huge character flaw, that needs huge attention.

Delver
Jul 15, 2011
290
My favorite is getting messaged for help five seconds after logging into the game. Please everyone, stop doing that. For those of us who garden, many times the first thing we do is maintain the garden, harvest the plants, sell excess garden loot. Yes I'm sure that I could help someone before I managed my garden, but maybe instead of just helping you play, I'd like to take some time to play the game.

Astrologist
Dec 26, 2013
1127
Tatiana Winterhear... on Sep 22, 2015 wrote:
My favorite is getting messaged for help five seconds after logging into the game. Please everyone, stop doing that. For those of us who garden, many times the first thing we do is maintain the garden, harvest the plants, sell excess garden loot. Yes I'm sure that I could help someone before I managed my garden, but maybe instead of just helping you play, I'd like to take some time to play the game.
How selfish of you! Just kidding!!!
I know the feeling. Sometimes I can't even figure out where I am before the help requests start coming in. For this reason I try to remember to make sure I'm invisible when I log off so I'll be that way when I log back in the next time.

Champion
Jul 04, 2012
495
I totally understand how you feel. People are always doing that to me when I'm trying to play.

Angela Gem, Level 100

2